On the one hand, I want him focusing more on his career. He's got a good job, good pay, and he likes it - but we both know it's not what he wants to be doing. I keep thinking, okay, he's 26, he needs to be doing more to get his *career* going in the right direction. And again, he knows he does, too. But at the same time (and this probably comes from all the financial problems I had as a single parent ) he's almost obsessed with having a good sized savings account, and paying off his school debts, etc. So he's concentrating on that right now. I think that's one reason I'm hesitant about this marriage idea. Because I know once he's actually married, he's going to start thinking kids (I know he wants a "normal" family, unlike what we had) - and it's going to be very hard to go into independent filmmaking when he's starting a family at the same time.
So it worries me for the long run - that he's going to do things that put off doing what he really wants to do, just because of his financial insecurities (and yeah, there's a lot of guilt on my part for "making him" that way ).
On the other hand, I've always told him that I didn't care if he was a ditch-digger, as long as he was happy. That he should live his life for the more important things. And family is more important than career, obviously. But at the same time, I know I still think about all the plans I had that were blasted out of the water because of family obligations. Not that I would trade my son for those plans, but at the same time, now that he's out on his own, I find myself thinking of where I could have been at this time in my life. And I think of all the things my folks wanted to do that they never did because of having to raise their kids.
I guess it boils down to wanting him to have it all - family and career - and I'm worried that the choices they make are going to screw up one or the other, or both.
And I have to keep reminding myself that I can't live his life for him...
|Posted 11-09-2008 at 01:44 PM by deebeelicious|