Roles

Had a conversation with a friend recently and - either because I'm extremely egocentric or because I'm deeply introspective - I started thinking about it in terms of - TA-DA - me. Which was basically the subject of the conversation - the idea of being accepted for ourselves, not just the roles we play in other people's lives.

One has to wonder, sometimes, how much our roles affect the "Me". How often do the roles become Me? And how often does Me become the role? And how much control do we have over either?

Just for an example: I've been the family "caretaker" for as long as I can remember. I started working when I was fifteen and almost immediately was helping pay for my brother's college. My sister once told me my siblings "relied" on me to stay in close proximity to the folks to make sure they were okay. And of course being a single parent, going through my dad's cancer, my mom's dementia - all of which was my making sure things ran as smoothly as possible. That "things" got done. At work, it always ended up the same way - my bosses eventually reached the point where they would rely on me to make sure that "things" got done.

In other words, I took care of the dirty work so others wouldn't have to. And that meant not always being "nice". Someone at work once mentioned that to me, and I told him, "I'm not getting paid to be liked. I'm getting paid to get the job done." And after a few years of playing that role, it got to be a habit. So much so that it filtered into every aspect of my life. I would try to be "nice", but if the job - whether at work or at home - wasn't getting done, then "nice" went out the window.

I didn't like it. But...

The role had become the Me. And any time I tried to reverse that, people would react negatively. They *liked* the bitchy, bossy Me - because then they didn't have to deal with the dirty work. But I was tired of that. Very tired. Which is one reason I "retired". But the Role hasn't given up the ghost. Not yet.

So now I'm thinking about that cruise in March. And as I drove home last night, I made a few decisions. One, I'm not taking any jeans. I'm getting some dresses, some skirts, getting some jewelry - maybe even perfume! What does that have to do with the Role? Everything. The Role means I wear jeans and work boots and carry my wallet in my hip pocket. It means I can tear apart the plumbing or wield a chainsaw with the best of them. It means I've learned more swear words than a sailor and I'm not afraid to use them. It means I can tell off a guy whose belly button is at my eye level - and never bat that eye.

And that's not Me.

It's "part" of me, but not the total. There's the me that likes - no, loves - being a Lady. That likes having doors opened for me, and to have guys stand up when I walk in the door. That likes wearing nice clothes and - though it's been ages - having guys watch as I walk by. The part of me that likes to sit back and enjoy a quiet drink without talking about the problem with the hydraulics on the forklift.

The Me that likes being *liked*.

So that's what the cruise is going to be for me - besides the obvious of meeting Dirk again and learning more of the in's and out's of eating healthy. It's going to be my chance to take control of the Role and remind myself of *all* that I am, even though I have to take the next seven months to prepare for it.

But I think I'm going to like it.