Too, Too Funny!

[ojai22]

An elderly lady decided to give herself a treat for her 85th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $450.00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. “It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00 for just an overnight stay. I didn't even have breakfast."

The clerk told her that $450.00 is the "standard rate," so she insisted on speaking to the manager. The manager appeared and said: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for your use."

"But I didn't use them," she said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager. He went on to explain that she also could have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous . "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied.

No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, the lady replied, "But I didn't use it" and the manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check, and gave it to him.

The manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the manager.

Well, You know what the woman said to that.

[ojai22]

HEALTH TIPS FROM A 101 YEAR-OLD

Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky:


REPORTER: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?

HATTIE: For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold I drink schnapps.

REPORTER: When do you drink water?

HATTIE: I've never been that sick.

.

[ojai22]

HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS

I was walking past the mental hospital
the other day, and all the patients
were shouting, "13...13...13."

The fence was too high to see over,
but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked
through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick,
then they all started shouting, "14...14...14."

~~~

[ojai22]

Students in an advanced Biology class were
taking their mid-term exam. The last question was,
"Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk." The
question was worth 70 points or none at all. One
student, in particular, was hard put to think of
seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in
desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the
end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's
high enough off the ground where the cat can't get
it.

He got an A.

[ojai22]

THE OCEAN


The Ocean - ALL you Need to Know! Children Writing About the Ocean.


1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breathes through an a$$hole on the top of it's head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat a$$. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)

If you didn't smile at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humor.

[Antimony]

Thanks for posting ojai22! Had a good laugh!

[ojai22]

I don't know how long this will be allowed to stay posted but it is the funniest thing I've ever heard. It's done light-heartedly, and is so totally Politically Incorrect.



https://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2...ugdNCROs.gmail

[ojai22]

WHY EXERCISE?


It is well documented that, for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old, and we don't know where she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. (Apparently you have to show up.)

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The only advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't like exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

[John Pickard]

Originally Posted by ojai22

I don't know how long this will be allowed to stay posted but it is the funniest thing I've ever heard. It's done light-heartedly, and is so totally Politically Incorrect.



https://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2...ugdNCROs.gmail

I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. Thanks, ojai!

[ojai22]

HOW TO WASH A CAT

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1 oz. of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lids. You may need to stand on the top lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand to the side of the toilet as far away as you can and quickly lift the lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside, where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely yours,

The Dog

[ojai22]

Neologisms

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.


The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by asteamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.




The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.


The winners are:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for a very long, sometimes indefinite period of time.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a$$hole..

[ojai22]

Two policemen call the station on the radio.

"Hello. Is that you, Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir....The floor is still wet."

[ojai22]

1+2 = 3


Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....


Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.


Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.


Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.


To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.


This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.


Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said,

'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'


Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.


'Well, then,' she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'


Little Zachary looked at her and said,

'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

[ojai22]

WHERE YOU LIVE MAKES A DIFFERENCE


You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also had a secret escape tunnel.


By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered mentally unstable.

In Michigan, he'd be called a Detroit resident who owns a pharmacy.

In Arizona, he'd be called an avid gun collector.

In Arkansas, he'd be called a novice gun collector.

In Utah, he'd be called moderately well prepared, but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Kansas, he'd be a guy down the road you would want for a friend.

In Montana, he'd be called the neighborhood 'Go-To' guy.

In Idaho, he'd be called a likely gubernatorial candidate.

In Georgia, North Carolina, Virginia, W.Virginia, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Missouri, Wisconsin, Tennessee, Kentucky, Florida, and S. Carolina he would be called a deer-hunting buddy.


And in Texas; he'd just be Bubba who's a little short on ammo.

[ojai22]

You have GOT to watch this - I was rolling on the floor!



https://youtu.be/DP6S3KE2DaI


😂 😃 😜 ♌️

[ojai22]

The top 10 most stunningly retarded things people really said to me in the past week



Scroll down to the Comments below the article, they're funny, too.

I needed that laugh.


Learn more: https://www.naturalnews.com/050907_re...#ixzz3jmJLrILF

🎭 🎭 🎭

[ojai22]

This is sooooo funny you want to watch over and over. There seems to be several more videos, too. These people are having fun.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9IYeVJiWLQ


😀😁😃😆 😎

♌️

[sarah c.]

Originally Posted by John Pickard

I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. Thanks, ojai!

haha ....I have great jokes... my mom and her brothers were REALLY REALLY funny. I can't post most of them to FB. I'd be kind of scared to. You never know who you're going to offend now days....
This one isn't too bad.....

School Children Writing About The Sea

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. ( Becky age 8)
On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7)

[sarah c.]

The Following Is A Partial List Of Actual Written Excuses Given To Teachers
In The Albuquerque Public School System By Parents Of Students:

1. Dear school: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan.28,29,
30,31,32,& also 33.

2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday.She was in bed with
gramps.

3. Please excuse Johnnie for being.It was his father's fault.

4. Chris will not be in school today because he has an acre in his side.

5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the Doctor.

7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.

8. My son is under the Doctor's care and should should not take fizical ed.
Please execute him.

9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.

10. My Daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with The Marines.

11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday she fell off a tree
and misplaced her hip.

12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school.He has very loose vowels.

13. Maryann was absent Dec.11-16,because she had a fever,sore throat,
headache,& upset stomache.Her sister was also sick,fever,and sore throat,
her brother had a low grade fever.There must be a flu going around,
Her father even got hot last night.

14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today.She is administrating.

15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.

16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.

17. Please excuse Miranda for being absent.She was sick and I had her shot.

18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.

19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.He had diah(*crossed
out*),diahoah(*crossed out*),dyah(*crossed out*),...The Sh*ts.

[sarah c.]

okay someone posted this on twitter(Gosh Im sick of twitter...lmao)

Someone just argued with me, "Women are never actually catcalled."
I'd like to prove a point
Ladies, RT this if you've ever been catcalled

Is It just me, or is it wrong that I never took/take offence to being catalled?
Even when I was in highschool. Girls these days? Would sue for the things that were very innocent and just "guys being guys".
Are some women becoming too obsessed with feminism? Are they too sensitive? Sometimes I kinda think so.
Or maybe I'm just full of crap! who knows....

[sarah c.]

My mom sent me this a few years ago......

Sincere Apologies To Everyone

Over the past few years I have forwarded funny pictures and jokes to friends who I thought shared the same sense of humor. I have also published in blogs, similar content. Unfortunately this wasn't the case and I seem to have upset quite a few people who have accused me of being sexist and shallow. If you were one of these people, please accept my humblest apologies.

From now on I will only publish pages and send emails with a cultural or educational content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting structures.

Below is a picture of the Pont Neuf Bridge in Paris .

The Pont Neuf, French for the "New Bridge," is the oldest standing bridge across the river Seine in Paris. Its name, which distinguished it from the old bridges that were lined on both sides with houses, simply stuck. Standing by the western point of the Île de la Cité, the island in the middle of the river that was the heart of medieval Paris, it connects the left bank, the Rive Gauche of Paris with the Rive Droite, the right bank.

P.S. For those of you who are interested, Pont Neuf took 26 years to build. Construction began in 1578 and ended in 1604. 'Le Pont Neuf' is actually made of 2 independent bridges, one with seven arches and the other with five arches. Henri IVs statue is located on the right of the bridge. It was the first equestrian statue erected in Paris and also the first statue that was free-standing i.e. not attached to a building. Like other royal statues, it was melted down during the revolution. It was replaced with an identical copy in 1818.

https://www.berro.com/joke/pont_neuf_...w11Hw0.twitter

[John Pickard]

Originally Posted by sarah c.

My mom sent me this a few years ago......

I've seen this before - it's a funny take on overly sensitive people.

(So it belongs in the "Too, Too Funny!" thread, so I moved it.)

Thanks, Sarah!

[ojai22]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a long laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.


Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the woman to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately, as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman became silent and sat down in a daze.


The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"


"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[ojai22]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN!

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.


Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'


Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'


The teacher sat down and cried.


😜

[ojai22]

You will watch this six times and you will laugh for a week:




https://youtu.be/Ll2aW1p8qlE


😀 😄 😃 😂 😜 😎