Too, Too Funny!

[ojai22]

An elderly lady decided to give herself a treat for her 85th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $450.00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. “It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00 for just an overnight stay. I didn't even have breakfast."

The clerk told her that $450.00 is the "standard rate," so she insisted on speaking to the manager. The manager appeared and said: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for your use."

"But I didn't use them," she said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager. He went on to explain that she also could have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous . "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied.

No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, the lady replied, "But I didn't use it" and the manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check, and gave it to him.

The manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the manager.

Well, You know what the woman said to that.

[ojai22]

HEALTH TIPS FROM A 101 YEAR-OLD

Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky:


REPORTER: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?

HATTIE: For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold I drink schnapps.

REPORTER: When do you drink water?

HATTIE: I've never been that sick.

.

[ojai22]

HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS

I was walking past the mental hospital
the other day, and all the patients
were shouting, "13...13...13."

The fence was too high to see over,
but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked
through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick,
then they all started shouting, "14...14...14."

~~~

[ojai22]

Students in an advanced Biology class were
taking their mid-term exam. The last question was,
"Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk." The
question was worth 70 points or none at all. One
student, in particular, was hard put to think of
seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in
desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the
end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's
high enough off the ground where the cat can't get
it.

He got an A.

[ojai22]

THE OCEAN


The Ocean - ALL you Need to Know! Children Writing About the Ocean.


1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breathes through an a$$hole on the top of it's head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat a$$. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)

If you didn't smile at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humor.

[Antimony]

Thanks for posting ojai22! Had a good laugh!

[sarah c.]

The Following Is A Partial List Of Actual Written Excuses Given To Teachers
In The Albuquerque Public School System By Parents Of Students:

1. Dear school: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan.28,29,
30,31,32,& also 33.

2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday.She was in bed with
gramps.

3. Please excuse Johnnie for being.It was his father's fault.

4. Chris will not be in school today because he has an acre in his side.

5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the Doctor.

7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.

8. My son is under the Doctor's care and should should not take fizical ed.
Please execute him.

9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.

10. My Daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with The Marines.

11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday she fell off a tree
and misplaced her hip.

12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school.He has very loose vowels.

13. Maryann was absent Dec.11-16,because she had a fever,sore throat,
headache,& upset stomache.Her sister was also sick,fever,and sore throat,
her brother had a low grade fever.There must be a flu going around,
Her father even got hot last night.

14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today.She is administrating.

15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.

16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.

17. Please excuse Miranda for being absent.She was sick and I had her shot.

18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.

19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.He had diah(*crossed
out*),diahoah(*crossed out*),dyah(*crossed out*),...The Sh*ts.

[sarah c.]

okay someone posted this on twitter(Gosh Im sick of twitter...lmao)

Someone just argued with me, "Women are never actually catcalled."
I'd like to prove a point
Ladies, RT this if you've ever been catcalled

Is It just me, or is it wrong that I never took/take offence to being catalled?
Even when I was in highschool. Girls these days? Would sue for the things that were very innocent and just "guys being guys".
Are some women becoming too obsessed with feminism? Are they too sensitive? Sometimes I kinda think so.
Or maybe I'm just full of crap! who knows....

[sarah c.]

My mom sent me this a few years ago......

Sincere Apologies To Everyone

Over the past few years I have forwarded funny pictures and jokes to friends who I thought shared the same sense of humor. I have also published in blogs, similar content. Unfortunately this wasn't the case and I seem to have upset quite a few people who have accused me of being sexist and shallow. If you were one of these people, please accept my humblest apologies.

From now on I will only publish pages and send emails with a cultural or educational content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting structures.

Below is a picture of the Pont Neuf Bridge in Paris .

The Pont Neuf, French for the "New Bridge," is the oldest standing bridge across the river Seine in Paris. Its name, which distinguished it from the old bridges that were lined on both sides with houses, simply stuck. Standing by the western point of the Île de la Cité, the island in the middle of the river that was the heart of medieval Paris, it connects the left bank, the Rive Gauche of Paris with the Rive Droite, the right bank.

P.S. For those of you who are interested, Pont Neuf took 26 years to build. Construction began in 1578 and ended in 1604. 'Le Pont Neuf' is actually made of 2 independent bridges, one with seven arches and the other with five arches. Henri IVs statue is located on the right of the bridge. It was the first equestrian statue erected in Paris and also the first statue that was free-standing i.e. not attached to a building. Like other royal statues, it was melted down during the revolution. It was replaced with an identical copy in 1818.

https://www.berro.com/joke/pont_neuf_...w11Hw0.twitter

[John Pickard]

Originally Posted by sarah c.

My mom sent me this a few years ago......

I've seen this before - it's a funny take on overly sensitive people.

(So it belongs in the "Too, Too Funny!" thread, so I moved it.)

Thanks, Sarah!

[ojai22]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a long laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.


Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the woman to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately, as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman became silent and sat down in a daze.


The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"


"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[ojai22]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN!

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.


Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'


Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'


The teacher sat down and cried.


😜

[ojai22]

You will watch this six times and you will laugh for a week:




https://youtu.be/Ll2aW1p8qlE


😀 😄 😃 😂 😜 😎

[anneg1026]

I like #15 lol

[LittleMonkeyDog]

Lol

[ojai22]

TRUE STORY....





What's the most embarassing thing your child has done?


John McArony, Retired (2010-present)


When my daughter was small, she had the habit of walking around sucking her thumb, with her hand under her dress and her finger in her belly-button.
Problem was, during her excavations, she scratched her belly-button till it started bleeding. We tried to put a band-aid over it to stop her digging in there, but she always managed to scratch it off.


The wound just kept getting worse and worse.


Eventually, I sat her down and said, “We need to have a serious talk. Do you know what a serious talk is? It’s when we talk about something really, really important. It’s something grownups do, but this is something specially important, and I need to talk to you about this, okay?”


She puts on her serious face and nods slowly.


“You know how that sore in your belly-button seems to be getting all swollen? Well, if you keep on sticking your finger in there, it will make it worse, and your tummy swell up like a balloon, and keep on getting bigger and bigger until it bursts, and all your insides will fall out. You don’t want that to happen do you?”


Okay, okay, I was desperate, you can stone me later.
A couple of days later, we were at the supermarket and there was a hugely pregnant lady there doing her shopping.


My daughter kept on staring at her.


The lady saw her, smiled and rubbed her tummy.


My daughter yells at her, “I know what you’ve been doing!”



From: QUORA DIGEST

[ojai22]

Male logic ... Flawless



This is a conversation between a man and his wife.

Please note that she asks seven questions, which he answers quite simply.

But then she is speechless after answering only one question from him.





woman: Do you drink beer?

man: Yes



woman: How many beers a day?

man: Usually about three



woman: How much do you pay per beer?

man: $5 which includes a tip



woman: And how long have you been drinking?

man: About 20 years, i suppose.



woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

man: Correct



woman: If in one year you spend $5400, not counting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending on beer at $108,000 correct?

man: Correct



woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?



man: Do you drink beer?

woman: No.



man: Where is your airplane?

[ojai22]

There was a Green Beret who had four daughters. He was in a habit of worrying about his daughters and always answered the door with a sawed-off shotgun.

One night he hears a knock at the door and finds a young man standing there. The young man says: "My name is Freddy. I've come to pick up Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. I hope she's ready." The Green Beret thought that was cute so he let them go out.



Pretty soon another knock on the door and another young man was there. He said: "My name is Lance. I've come for Nance. We're going to a dance. Is she ready by chance?" Again the Green Beret thought it was cute and let them go.



Soon another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said: "My name is Moe. I'm here to get Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?" Once again the Green Beret thought it was cute and he let them go.



Again there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He said: "My name is Chuck," The Green Beret shot him.

[ojai22]

Senior Dating.

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking…

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[ojai22]

WHY?



Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?



Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?



Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?



Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?



EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?



Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?




Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?


Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?




Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?




Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?




Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?



Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?



Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?




You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?



Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?




Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?






If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?