Too, Too Funny!

[ojai22]

Watch the librarian twice, he's very funny. . . .

"What kind of girl are you looking for?"

"One that says, 'Yes'."


https://youtu.be/weKvnw0JNf4



📚 📖 📕 📙 😎 😃 👍🏽 👏

[ojai22]

This morning I was sipping my tea and browsing through a site I used to frequent. I found this post that is still hilarious:



CHILI, TEXAS STYLE

https://www.colonialfleets.com/forums...ead.php?t=7231


(What happened to my "Dancing Viper Queen?" I loved that! Still do!)


🍲 🍺 🍻 🍺 🍻 🍻 🍻 🌡 ♨️ ♨️ ♨️ 🍻 🍻 🍻

♌️

[ojai22]

But then, why not read the Joke thread as well? Some are a bit dated but most are still great fun!


https://www.colonialfleets.com/forums...ead.php?t=2522



😀 😂 😎 😘 ♌️

[ojai22]

R.O.T.F.


https://biggeekdad.com/2016/01/your-wife-and-your-dog/



😀 😇 😂 😍 😎 ♌️

[ojai22]

In case you missed this one tucked away in another thread...



https://www.dirkbenedictcentral.com/f...81&postcount=1

[ojai22]

AMAZING!


https://youtu.be/8e9iXkgukOk



😆 👍🏽 😎 ♌️

[ojai22]

SOME PHYLLIS DILLER HUMOR:



Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and be quiet.


😀 😄 😍 😎

[ojai22]

SOME CLEVER SIGNS


In a shoe repair shop: We will heel you. We will save your sole. We will even dye for you.

In a gynecologist’s office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

In a podiatrist’s office: Time wounds all heels.

In an optometrist’s office: If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.

On a plumber’s truck: We repair what your husband fixed.

On a maternity-room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

In a restaurant window: Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.

In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We’ll wait.

At a propane filling station: Thank Heaven for little grills.

Sign on the back of a septic-tank truck:
Caution – This Truck is full of political promises.


😍 😎 ☯

[ojai22]

If you're flying and you hear the announcement, "Does anyone know how to fly a plane?", your answer should always be "Yes."

If you're going to die you may as well die flying a jumbo jet.

Anonymous


✈️ ⚰ 🔺 🔻 ♦️ 🌹 💐 😵 😀

[ojai22]

The Incident

ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.




A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 with monthly payments of $560.00.


He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin ..
It's mid-winter.............and of course all of the lakes are frozen.


These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.


Now..................making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So........................out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.


Our two Rocket Scientists...........afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:

- they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust,
- they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.


Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...?


Let's talk about the dog:

A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it......................The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse........... Just as it hits the ice.


The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop.


The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.
One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane!!!!!!


The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.


The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end..................he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.


Then KA BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!


The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with 'I can't believe this just happened' looks on their faces.


The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use
Of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make
The first of those $560.00 a month payments.


The dog is okay....doing fine.


And to think you thought all Rednecks lived in the South.......



😅 😜 😳 😣 🐕 🔫

[ojai22]

This is laugh-out-loud funny! Enjoy!


https://youtu.be/FP7wN301yjc


😆 😄 ♌️

[ojai22]

TECH-SUPPORT CHAT

Hello Tech Support. Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.


Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate.




Hello Desperate. First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.


However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.


In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.



In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0. Good Luck!

[ojai22]

Can't stop laughing......


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCEyh3FAM4g

[ojai22]

How the fight started

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started….
_______________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?” I said, “Dust.”

And then the fight started…
_______________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 225 in about 2 seconds.” I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started……

_______________________



Sometimes it doesn’t pay to have a keen sense of humor.

[Vballspieler]

Originally Posted by ojai22

The Incident

ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.




A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 with monthly payments of $560.00.


He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin ..
It's mid-winter.............and of course all of the lakes are frozen.


These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.


Now..................making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So........................out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.


Our two Rocket Scientists...........afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:

- they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust,
- they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.


Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...?


Let's talk about the dog:

A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it......................The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse........... Just as it hits the ice.


The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop.


The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.
One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane!!!!!!


The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.


The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end..................he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.


Then KA BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!


The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with 'I can't believe this just happened' looks on their faces.


The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use
Of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make
The first of those $560.00 a month payments.


The dog is okay....doing fine.


And to think you thought all Rednecks lived in the South.......



😅 😜 😳 😣 🐕 🔫

I would say it isn't reflective of life in Wisconsin, but you managed to find some of the blessed. It takes real talent (or stupidity) to blow up your new truck.....or drop your cellphone down the ice fishing hole...or watch your ice hut sink because you thought the ice wouldn't melt at 50 degrees.

[ojai22]

Originally Posted by vballspieler

i would say it isn't reflective of life in wisconsin, but you managed to find some of the blessed. It takes real talent (or stupidity) to blow up your new truck.....or drop your cellphone down the ice fishing hole...or watch your ice hut sink because you thought the ice wouldn't melt at 50 degrees.

lmao!

[ojai22]

GREAT FUN!

This is what happens when you reply to spam email | James Veitch



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QdPW8JrYzQ

[Vballspieler]

Originally Posted by ojai22

GREAT FUN!

This is what happens when you reply to spam email | James Veitch



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QdPW8JrYzQ

Lmao

[ojai22]

HAVE ANOTHER....!

More adventures in replying to spam | James Veitch



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4Uc-cztsJo

[Flygirl]

Originally Posted by ojai22

HAVE ANOTHER....!

More adventures in replying to spam | James Veitch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4Uc-cztsJo

I'm laughing so hard... omg

[ojai22]

SENIORS? OMG! LMAO!



1. My goal for 2016 was to lose 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

3. How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat

4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day food diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

11. I love being over 70. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

14. November 6, 2016 was the end of Daylight Savings Time. Hope you didn't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.

15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

[Vballspieler]

Originally Posted by ojai22

SENIORS? OMG! LMAO!



1. My goal for 2016 was to lose 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

3. How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat

4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day food diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

11. I love being over 70. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

14. November 6, 2016 was the end of Daylight Savings Time. Hope you didn't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.

15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

LMAO. this is great!

[ojai22]

VBS, I especially liked 6 and 10!

[ojai22]

13 isn't bad, either! LMAO!

[anneg1026]

I like #15 lol