Too, Too Funny!

[Vballspieler]

Originally Posted by ojai22

VBS, I especially liked 6 and 10!

#6 needs a good lawyer (and an accountant)

#10 reminds me of someone else. Makes me smile.

[ojai22]

Best Divorce Letter, Ever!


FIRST LETTER:


My Dear husband:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.

I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nighty.

You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife.

Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life!



REPLY:


Dear Ex-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching. Too bad that doesn't work any more.

I DID notice when you got a hairdo last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!'

Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment... and when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.

About the new nighty: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris, but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

[LittleMonkeyDog]

Lol

[ojai22]

TRUE STORY....





What's the most embarassing thing your child has done?


John McArony, Retired (2010-present)


When my daughter was small, she had the habit of walking around sucking her thumb, with her hand under her dress and her finger in her belly-button.
Problem was, during her excavations, she scratched her belly-button till it started bleeding. We tried to put a band-aid over it to stop her digging in there, but she always managed to scratch it off.


The wound just kept getting worse and worse.


Eventually, I sat her down and said, “We need to have a serious talk. Do you know what a serious talk is? It’s when we talk about something really, really important. It’s something grownups do, but this is something specially important, and I need to talk to you about this, okay?”


She puts on her serious face and nods slowly.


“You know how that sore in your belly-button seems to be getting all swollen? Well, if you keep on sticking your finger in there, it will make it worse, and your tummy swell up like a balloon, and keep on getting bigger and bigger until it bursts, and all your insides will fall out. You don’t want that to happen do you?”


Okay, okay, I was desperate, you can stone me later.
A couple of days later, we were at the supermarket and there was a hugely pregnant lady there doing her shopping.


My daughter kept on staring at her.


The lady saw her, smiled and rubbed her tummy.


My daughter yells at her, “I know what you’ve been doing!”



From: QUORA DIGEST

[ojai22]

Male logic ... Flawless



This is a conversation between a man and his wife.

Please note that she asks seven questions, which he answers quite simply.

But then she is speechless after answering only one question from him.





woman: Do you drink beer?

man: Yes



woman: How many beers a day?

man: Usually about three



woman: How much do you pay per beer?

man: $5 which includes a tip



woman: And how long have you been drinking?

man: About 20 years, i suppose.



woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

man: Correct



woman: If in one year you spend $5400, not counting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending on beer at $108,000 correct?

man: Correct



woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?



man: Do you drink beer?

woman: No.



man: Where is your airplane?

[ojai22]

There was a Green Beret who had four daughters. He was in a habit of worrying about his daughters and always answered the door with a sawed-off shotgun.

One night he hears a knock at the door and finds a young man standing there. The young man says: "My name is Freddy. I've come to pick up Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. I hope she's ready." The Green Beret thought that was cute so he let them go out.



Pretty soon another knock on the door and another young man was there. He said: "My name is Lance. I've come for Nance. We're going to a dance. Is she ready by chance?" Again the Green Beret thought it was cute and let them go.



Soon another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said: "My name is Moe. I'm here to get Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?" Once again the Green Beret thought it was cute and he let them go.



Again there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He said: "My name is Chuck," The Green Beret shot him.

[ojai22]

Senior Dating.

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking…

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[ojai22]

WHY?



Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?



Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?



Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?



Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?



EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?



Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?




Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?


Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?




Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?




Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?




Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?



Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?



Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?




You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?



Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?




Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?






If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[ojai22]

RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO KROGER'S or FREDDIE'S

Yesterday I was at my local Kroger buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.


What did she think I had an elephant?


So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.


I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)


Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Kroger won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

[ojai22]

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

[ojai22]

Don't know who wrote it but they nailed it....





ODE TO THE SPELL CHECKER



Eye halve a spelling chequer:

It came with my pea sea.

It plainly marques four my revue

Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid,

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the error rite.

It’s rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it.

I am shore your pleased two no

Its letter perfect awl the weigh

My chequer tolled me sew.

[ojai22]


From British classified ads:




FREE PUPPIES.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.




COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.

Also 1 gay bull for sale.




JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer £100.




WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.




FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

[ojai22]

Children Are Quick


TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.




TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.




TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong.

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.




TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.




TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!




TEACHER: Glenn, why do you always get so dirty?

GLENN: I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.




TEACHER: George Washington, not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand?




TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.




TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher.

[ojai22]

Just as the graveside service finished,
There was a distant lightning bolt
Accompanied by a tremendous burst
Of rumbling thunder. The little old man
Looked at the pastor and calmly said,
“Well, she’s there and it’s His
Problem now.”

[ojai22]

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you."



He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you."



In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me?" The parrot replied, "Yes."



Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence."



The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?"



The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."

[ojai22]

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves.



The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born."



The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born."



The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head."



The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."

[ojai22]

COMPUTER HUMOR


A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat….

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
….you just hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for awhile

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
A virus was the flu

I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead

[ojai22]

Fred Klett - funny, funny man with perfect delivery:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntvyMfRPKBM


Fred Klett - 6 short videos:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=haB_...lDAeiE&index=1